Dear Friend and Subscriber,
Today, let’s talk about something that's a bit tough to handle but oh-so-important: children's aggression.
We've all been there, right?
You are having some quality time with your little one. Everything seems to be perfect. You both seem to be having the best time together. Suddenly, your little angel turns into a tiny tornado of emotions, throwing toys, hitting their siblings or a friend, or just simply yelling or screaming... You feel lost, angry and very much confused …
It's frustrating, it's challenging, but it's also completely normal.
Unfortunately, when faced with an angry child, the first impulse for us parents or caregivers is to threaten discipline. (Ex. If you don’t stop yelling, I’ll send you to your room. If you don’t stop speaking rudely, you will lose your privileges.)
We stop listening to them affectionately.
But that anger might have an important message behind it. In fact, feelings are a form of information. We need to listen to that information and figure out its message. This will help us react accordingly.
So, what's behind this fiery behaviour, and what can we do to help our kiddos learn to regulate their emotions?
Let's dive in.
What are the underlying causes of children’s aggression?
First off, it's essential to understand that aggression in children isn't about being "naughty" or "bad." Nope, there's usually more going on beneath the surface.
Remember, some degree of aggression in children is normal. However, aggression, if expressed repeatedly, needs to be investigated.
Here are a few common reasons your child might be showing signs of aggression:
Big Feelings, Little Bodies: Kids experience emotions just like we do, but they often lack the vocabulary or understanding to express themselves properly. So, when those feelings bubble up, they might lash out physically.
Mimicking Behavior: Children are like sponges, soaking up everything around them. If they see aggression modelled by adults or other kids, they might imitate that behaviour without fully understanding why it's happening.
Remember, our behaviour affects our child’s behaviour.
Frustration and Overwhelm: Imagine being a tiny human in a big, overwhelming world. It's no wonder kids sometimes get frustrated and act out when things don't go their way or when they feel overwhelmed by their surroundings.
Needs Not Met: Sometimes, aggression can be a way for children to communicate that their needs aren't being met. Whether they're hungry, tired, or just need some extra attention, they might resort to aggressive behaviour to get their point across.
Unhealthy/ unbalanced diet: too much fat, sugar, and caffeine in their diet could trigger anger. (This is an important one, and I believe many of us tend not to pay enough attention to it!)
What’s our role as primary caregivers? How can we help them self-regulate?
Now that we know a bit more about why our little ones might be acting out, let's discuss what we can do to help them learn to regulate their emotions more healthily.
In all scenarios, adults have a powerful influence. For children to act aggressively is influenced by the environmental conditions around them, the pressures, threats, opportunities, and consequences they experience. By making adjustments to these conditions, we can improve their behaviour.
Here are some tips straight from the parenting trenches:
Stay Calm:
Easier said than done, right?
But when your child is in the midst of a meltdown, staying calm can work wonders. Take a deep breath, remind yourself that it's normal, and model that calm behaviour for your kiddo.
The higher they go, the lower you need to go! (try it with your voice, and you’ll see magic happen.)
Some other techniques could help us during challenging times to keep our calm:
Get away from the situation that caused you anger.
Do not yell.
Be mindful of your body language. (Ex. Don’t point to your child with your index while talking to them. Don’t slam the door if you get so angry.)
Keep telling yourself that you are calm until you calm down.
Teach Emotional Intelligence:
Help your child identify and label their emotions. Give those feelings names like "frustrated," "angry," or "sad," and talk about what might be causing them. This helps your child understand their emotions better and find healthier ways to express them.
Emotional regulation is a skill that we all have to learn.
By doing this, we acknowledge our children’s emotions; it also helps them learn verbal expression rather than physical expression. Acknowledging their emotions does not mean you have to agree with their feelings or that the feelings have to make sense to you.
Set Clear Boundaries:
Children thrive on routine and consistency. Set clear boundaries and consequences for aggressive behaviour, and stick to them. Consistency helps your child understand what's expected of them and what the consequences will be if they cross those boundaries.
Read more about boundaries —---------
Offer Alternative Outlets:
Encourage your child to express their emotions in ways that aren't aggressive. This could be through art, music, physical activity, or even just talking it out with you. Giving them healthy outlets for their emotions can help prevent those outbursts.
For example, Inviting them to draw whenever you see frustration building up might be a good way for them to start releasing some of that anger.
Lead by Example:
Children learn by living!
Remember, your child is always watching and learning from you. Model positive ways of dealing with frustration and anger in your own life, and your child will pick up on those cues.
Struggling with a child’s aggressive behaviour is stressful for their parents. It crushes our resilience, competence, and goodwill. It destructively affects our relationship with our children.
The key to solving the problem is to stay calm and look for the root of our child's anger and rage.
In most cases, we can stop bad behaviour before it erupts by having a positive, constructive, problem-solving mindset. Aggressive behaviour might be seen in most children. It’s not worrying until it becomes persistent.
I hope these tips help you navigate those stormy waters of childhood aggression.
Happy parenting …
… And may the odds be ever in your favour.
P.S. Have any tips or stories to share about helping kids regulate their emotions? Drop them in the comments below! Let's support each other on this wild parenting journey.
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