Dear Friend and Subscriber,
Imagine this scenario…
You ask your child to clean up their toys, and when they do, you offer them a sticker or a piece of candy as a reward.
It seems harmless, right?
After all, you're just trying to encourage good behaviour.
But what if I told you that this well-intentioned reward might actually hinder your child's ability to develop intrinsic motivation?
As a toddler parent, I’ve always been drawn to people who talk about “reward” vs. “positive feedback,” the practical approaches you can take to keep your child motivated but not praising them constantly for things they do…
The wording, the phrases they use …
The way that you should talk when they complete a task and make sure not to constantly praise them when they get something done “right.”
As a mom and someone deeply interested in nurturing independent thinkers, this is a topic close to my heart.
Let's talk about how our reward approach can impact our children’s intrinsic motivation and inner drive.
Here's the thing: When we constantly reward children for tasks they should be doing anyway, we unintentionally shift their focus from the joy of the task itself to the external reward. Instead of cleaning up their toys because it feels good to have a tidy space or because they want to help out, they do it solely because they expect a treat in return.
So, how can we raise self-directed learners if we get kids to expect a reward for doing the right thing?
It's all about fostering their internal drive,
and here are a few tips to help you do just that:
Focus On The Process, Not The Outcome.
Encourage your child to take pride in their efforts rather than just the end result.
For example, commend their hard work and dedication to studying instead of praising them for getting an A on a test. Or if they're practicing a musical instrument, praise their commitment to practicing regularly rather than just applauding their performance at a recital.
Doing this is definitely more challenging than it looks.
You see, you want to acknowledge your child's effort and dedication to their tasks, not only what they achieve in the end.
Encourage your child to reflect on their progress and improvements over time. Ask questions like, "What was initially challenging for you? How have you grown since then?"
Celebrate small victories along the way to reinforce the idea that progress is more important than perfection. For instance, if they're learning to tie their shoes, celebrate each successful attempt, even if it's not perfect yet.
Offer Meaningful Praise
Instead of generic phrases like "Good job!" or "Well done!" be specific about what you appreciate. Focus on praising effort, perseverance, creativity, and problem-solving skills rather than just the end result.
This helps build resilience and a growth mindset in your child.
For instance, you could say, "I noticed how focused you were while working on that puzzle. Your persistence paid off!"
Or
"I noticed how carefully you followed the instructions for that science experiment. Your attention to detail really paid off!"
Being specific in your praise helps your child understand exactly what they did well.
Encourage your child to self-assess by asking questions like, "What do you think you did well in this project? Is there anything you would do differently next time?"
Encourage Autonomy.
Give your child opportunities to make their own decisions and take ownership of their actions. Whether it's choosing what to wear, what snack to have, or what activity to do, allowing them to have a say empowers them to be more self-directed.
Involve your child in setting goals for themselves, both short-term and long-term. These goals could be academic, personal, or goals related to their hobbies and interests.
Allow your child to experience the natural consequences of their decisions (within reason). This helps them learn responsibility and consequences in a supportive environment. (This is something that I personally struggle with a lot as a mom. You see, my mama bear side sometimes comes in the middle and doesn't allow me to follow this rule.)
Create A Supportive Environment.
Provide resources and tools that allow your child to explore their interests and pursue their passions, whether it's books, art supplies, or educational apps. Encourage curiosity by asking open-ended questions, providing opportunities for hands-on learning experiences, and exposing your child to new ideas and concepts through activities like visits to museums, nature walks, or cooking together.
Having access to these resources encourages independent learning.
Create a designated space in your home where your child can explore and pursue their interests freely. Whether it's a corner for art projects, a shelf for their favourite books, or a desk for homework and creative projects, having a dedicated space signals that learning and exploration are valued.
And last but not least …
Lead By Example.
Show your child that learning is a lifelong journey by pursuing your own interests and sharing your experiences with them. Let them see your enthusiasm for learning, whether you'rereading a book, learning a new skill, or tackling a DIY project.
This helps normalize learning as a continuous process, not just something confined to school or childhood.
Demonstrate a growth mindset by embracing challenges, making mistakes, and learning from them. Let your child see that setbacks are an opportunity for growth and improvement.
Keep in mind that fostering intrinsic motivation takes time and patience. Incorporating these tips into your daily interactions with your child can help nurture their internal drive and cultivate a love for learning that extends far beyond external rewards.
Remember, every child is unique, so feel free to adapt these strategies to suit your child's individual personality, interests, and needs.
Happy parenting …
… And may the odds be ever in your favour.
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